Sample 1

Pet Peeves: Some Problems with America’s Favorite Pets

Americans are crazy about pets. You can barely walk past a house without seeing animals peering out the windows or patrolling the yard. Inside these houses, you can hardly sit down without getting covered in fur or squishing a Shih Tzu. According to the Humane Society of the United States, about 39 percent of American households include at least one dog and about 34 percent include at least one cat.* That’s a lot of pet lovers - and a lot of pets!

Pets are not just in our homes, though. Pampered cats show up in television commercials eating better food than most human bachelors eat. Eccentrically bred dogs pop up from the pink purses of celebrities and appear on the covers of tabloids. People schedule birthday parties and even weddings for animals and leave them millions of dollars in inheritances. People clog their cameras with pet pictures and then clog the Internet by uploading them all.

But why all the fuss?

It’s true that pets can be good friends. They can be good companions in recreation or relaxation. Some pets are useful - they provide security or help people get around. Pets can do much good. Before jumping aboard the pet bandwagon, though, it’s important to get a full picture of what you’ll be dealing with - and some of it is not very cute or cuddly.

Dogs

The typical dog is like the typical frat boy: it likes to eat, party, make a lot of noise, and grope everything in sight, and it is not the least bit shy about its bodily functions. On the contrary, dogs often like to share their bodily functions. At best, they do so in the yard. At worst, they do so anywhere and everywhere.

Also like frat boys, dogs tend to be very social animals. They always want to be involved with humans as well as other animals. Beyond that, though, it’s a matter of personality. Friendly dogs want to make friends with everyone. They will run up to lick the face of every human they see, whether that human is an owner or a burglar. Mean dogs, on the other hand, tend to want to eat every human they see.

At one time, dogs were fierce hunting animals, prowling the wilds for prey. Just because today most dogs prowl couches and beg for kibbles and table scraps doesn’t mean they haven’t lost their wild instincts. To prove this, leave a dog alone in a room with your nicest shoes, or tell it not to touch your new recliner. In moments, the dog will mistake your shoes or furniture for an elk and tear into it with savage abandon.

Cats

Many people see cats as a cleaner and quieter alternative to dogs. This may often be the case. Cats are certainly cleaner, if you consider bathing with one’s own tongue to be “clean.” And unlike dogs, which leave their messes hidden in the grass where people are likely to step, cats have the decency to leave their presents for their owners in special little gift boxes.

Cats are also generally quieter than dogs, but this is only because they are busy plotting. One must also remember that most cats feel they do not need humans, or any other living thing, to survive. Cats may plot to destroy their owners through various forms of outright ambush or via subtler sabotage techniques, such as walking under the human’s feet while the human is walking down the stairs.

When cats fail to conquer their humans, they may sulk and sleep for days at a time, or take out their aggression on smaller animals. Cats may leave victims such as mice and birds at your door. Some humans consider this a peace offering, albeit a disgusting one. Cats are just as likely to consider it a threat: “Look what I might do to you if you’re late with supper again.”

Cats always want you to know who is in charge. (Obviously, they are in charge.) You can try to train a cat, but you can also try to train mustard. That won’t work, either.

Fish and Everything Else

For those with the good sense to avoid dogs and cats, fish might seem a sensible alternative. Fish lead a highly inactive lifestyle that consists of floating around, looking blankly at things, just like tired shoppers during the holiday season. Fish can’t communicate their needs or ideas, if they have any, nor can they fetch anything. All they can do is play dead - which they do very convincingly by dying almost immediately upon purchase.

Other people have more unorthodox pets. In recent years, potbelly pigs, de-stinked skunks and domesticated squirrels, lizards, and snakes have become increasingly popular. Instead of bringing this motley myriad of animals into the house, though, one might consider visiting a local farm or jungle.

That Being Said . . .

Pets can be a handful. They can also fill your ears with noise, your nose with smells, and your scooper with . . . well, you know. Beyond those little drawbacks, however, are creatures full of fun and life. Pets are much like people. They have their ups and downs. If you can accept their drawbacks and see them as charming mannerisms, you’re in for a long and loving relationship. So sit back with your favorite pet and enjoy. Just be sure to look before you sit down.

* "U.S. Pet Ownership Statistics," The Humane Society of the United States, Updated March 17, 2008.